ARE YOU LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES?

For so long I wondered what it would feel like when I met “the one”. What would it be like to love someone and have them by my side, waking up next to me every day, loving me, holding me, being there for me during the hard times, helping me get back up when I feel down and truly valuing my beauty and radiance.  For so long I imagined how wonderful it would be to spend the rest of my life with someone I love.

For so long, I dreamt of happily ever after. With each movie I watched, each book I read and each TV show I watched, I invested in an idea of romance that would be perfect.

Television and books effortlessly described what love would look like. I didn’t have to use much of my imagination either. I saw repeated patterns of love within movies and thought that these portrayals of love held a lot of substance. It was human beings like you and me that came up with these concepts after all. It must be how the world works and how love is felt in relationships.

Thus, began my hunt for the perfect partner. This subconscious hunt was always going on. It contained within it ideas about the perfect love, the perfect romance And a looooong list of preferences which would make the love I share with my future partner absolutely perfect. I would always feel loved around them, always feel special, taken care of and valued more than I know. Why? Because he’s my romantic partner and isn’t that what they are meant for? Happily ever after exists right?

I loved watching romantic movies like The Notebook. The love portrayed Between Noah and Allie was so beautiful. The things he would do for her! Oh, how I dreamt of that kind of love. Similarly, the dramatic ending in each Bollywood movie that portrayed love between 2 people always had one thing in common. The boy would always do what he could to win the girl over. The girl was made to feel special and the boy would chase after the girl, showing huge romantic gestures. You know the kind I’m talking about, the kind that makes your heart swoon!

Each time I watched a romantic film, I felt a deep sense of sadness. Then one day, I decided to stop watching these movies. They made me feel so upset! What I didn’t realize at the time was that every time I watched one of these films, a feeling of unworthiness was triggered within me. I would compare myself to the life of the fictional character and wonder “Would I ever be deserving of such a love? Does it exist? Am I worthy of a partner like this one shown in the film?”

And then, one fine day, my boyfriend came along. With zero idea about romance, he was someone who was yet to figure out his own idea of love. As we got to know one another, we started to love one another in the way we knew how (i.e. What we learned from our parents and from past relationships). From the beginning I thought to myself, “There’s no way he would be the perfect partner. I don’t constantly feel loved and adored by him. He doesn’t make me feel special 24/7”. How could he be the perfect partner? As we grew closer and closer, our relationship evolved. We both figured out that we were a mirror of each other. Not consciously- we were pretty different on a conscious level. But subconsciously, our shadow aspects were a complete match to each other.

Being around my boyfriend, a self-sufficient human being who has no problem loving himself, I was once again reminded and felt the pain of my own unworthiness. Every time he didn’t act in accordance with the subconscious expectation of how a boyfriend ‘should’ act, this wound was triggered. I would think to myself “Why can’t I be made to feel special? Why can’t I get special treatment? This is so not how I thought it would be!”

Digging deeper, I found that what I was most scared of was being abandoned. Coupled with that I realized just how much power the concept of ‘the perfect partner’ had over me.  

We have really different ways of handling things and till today, when he’s going through something painful or experiencing discomfort in his life, he withdraws. He goes inwards, while I deal with my pain outwards, by expressing myself. I want to talk about what’s happening, feel his warm embrace and feel supported. Every single time he was triggered or going through a hard time and withdrew from me (his shadow aspect), a feeling of abandonment and unworthiness would reveal itself (my shadow aspect). On the days he couldn’t love me in the way I wanted, I was reminded of the gap, the hole, the void. The space that was now empty. I was reminded of how I hadn’t been loving towards myself and had handed him the sole responsibility of loving me.  And I only know this because when he withdrew, it felt like something was being taken away from me. I was left feeling depleted.

This was a huge revelation for me. Here you have two people in a relationship, one handling emotions in the only way they know and the other getting triggered by this behavior.  So, this week, when I was faced with the same trigger, that lead to this profound realization, I decided to see it as an opportunity. Any moment of withdrawal = my time to love myself more wholeheartedly.

It was so bloody uncomfortable…seeing just how much I relied on him, and becoming fully aware of this void. But I did it, I got through it. I spent the week loving and honoring myself. Being in my own company, listening to my body and tuning into what was going on internally. What was even more beautiful was that after 3 years of doing shadow work, growing with him and facing my internal demons, my idea of the perfect partner has completely changed. You see perfect to me is having the courage and self-esteem to love myself on those days I don’t feel so lovable. Perfect to me is recognizing love in another and valuing and honoring the way they know how to love. Perfect to me is being with a partner who just through the act of being himself is able to assist in my healing and help me come to a place of wholeness.

It would have been far from perfect to have a partner who replicates the lead characters in The Notebook and love me so passionately that I would have no idea what loving myself really meant. It would have been far from perfect to have a partner who loves me in the way the wounded aspect of me requires, so I would never feel the liberation and freedom in loving myself.

And as for deserving goes, I realized that sits in a completely different box altogether. The thought that I don’t deserve love, romance and to feel special is completely and utterly out of the question. I believe that we all deserve love and romance. But the only way I could recognize that treatment would be if I was able to give it to myself first. I need to recognize it in me to be able to identify and receive it from another.

So, here’s to the perfect partner. The one who triggers the hell out of you and doesn’t excuse you from the responsibility of loving yourself.