EMBRACING FEAR
Fear is an extremely useful response to being human, especially when we’re in actual danger. It alerts us through our physiology that threat is nearby, and causes our nervous system to go into either fight, flee or freeze in the situation, until the threat has passed. The reality is that this primal response is now so secondary to us as human beings that it arises not only when we’re actually in danger, but also when there’s a perceived or imagined threat to our lives.
Learning to master our response to fear is beneficial on many levels. Because our body does not know the difference between perceived threat and actual threat, it bodes well for us to build a long term relationship with fear, so we can learn to decipher when it’s advantageous to actually believe our fearful thoughts, and act in accordance to the messages being communicated through this emotion.
Fear never goes away, as long as we’re alive and living on this planet, we’re going to experience fear. Yet, when fear arises, we often don’t know how to respond to it. We buy into its stories and push it away, and before we know it, we’re paralyzed by our own thoughts. What’s actually changed in our reality? Usually, nothing. Yet, we’re convinced that the story that arises out of fear is real, and so everything that occurs as a result of us believing that story also becomes real. Before you know it, our palms are sweaty, our heart is racing faster and we’re feeling anxious.
Fear isn’t the monster it seems to be. So what exactly is fear? Fear is an emotion that is caused by actual or perceived danger. Back in our cavemen days, fear was an extremely important response. It would literally warn us against the sabre-toothed tiger that may jump out and attack us. It was necessary for us to be aware of that response, and act in accordance to the adrenaline gushing through our bodies. However, today, we don’t have any tigers roaming about our streets in the cities we live in. Yet, we feel the same perceived threat, and to our nervous system, this is the difference between life and death. We’ve evolved in so many ways, and yet the primal part of our brain that generates fear has not yet evolved.
We still experience fear, and this fear is bound to get exacerbated in times of crisis. Every single person is currently affected by the pandemic. Some have lost their jobs, and others their lives. All of us, to some degree have lost our sense of freedom. Regardless of which country we live in, we’re all facing the very same uncertainty. The uncertainty of what the world will look like post-pandemic.
But where does fear fit into this? When most of us still do have a roof over our heads and food on the table, why is it that we still fear a day where we may not be able to put food on the table? A day where we may lose our jobs? Or even worse, the day we may lose a loved one?
While the fear we may feel in response to these questions is valid, it’s also important to understand where this fear is coming from and debunk the ‘scariness’ of fear. Fear is simply our response to an imagined future where through our vivid imagination, we’re picturing a perceived reality in which things are not working out for us. While fear has its place in warning us when we’re really in danger, it is our job as evolved beings to detect PERCEIVED danger, versus ACTUAL danger. The mind cannot tell the difference, so we need to jump into the driver’s seat and decide whether we want to believe the story that our imagination has made up about a perceived threat in the future.
Our goal is not to rid ourselves of fear, because regardless of what’s happening out there, our minds and our bodies will respond to it ‘in here’. F.E.A.R is simply false evidence appearing real. Yet, the realness with which it appears in our mind is enough to create a biological response in our body, where our nervous system is activated and either goes into fight, flight or freeze. In that moment when fear arises, we have two options, the first is to go down the route where we buy into this perceived threat, OR, the second is we get curious about this perceived threat and understand that this is simply an outdated primal response, one that needs to be responded to in the same way we would respond to a small child; one who is scared of a shadow it perceives as a ghost while asleep. Upon inspection we find that this shadow is simply a blanket that’s somehow molded itself to look like the shadow of a ghost.
Because fear is only a natural response to us being human, we need to take care of our fear and get curious and question the thoughts that are resulting in us literally feeling paralyzed due to a perceived threat.
I’ve created a simple, and powerful process to help you make sense of your fear. Remember, your fear isn’t bad in and of itself, it’s only occurring regularly during this period as a result of your imagination running wild. But the chemicals being released in your body as a result of you buying into the story of the perceived threat is what can cause harm to your health and well being.
The first step is to notice your fearful thoughts. You know your mind is generating fearful thoughts when you’re thinking about the future in a negative way. Grab a journal and a pen and write down all of your fearful thoughts. Give them a voice, and a space to be seen and heard.
Once you’re aware of your fearful thoughts, close your eyes and picture your fear as a small child, puppy or kitten. Respond to this little one caringly and get curious about them through inner dialogue. Start by saying:
“Hi fear, how are you? I’m ready to hear you today. I see you, and you’re valid”. Stay conscious of your breathe and use it as an anchor to stay present with this little one. Note down any insights in a journal.
Ask yourself a series of questions in relation to the future your little one may be imagining:
“What stories is my little one making up about this current scenario?”
“What is the narrative?”
Give yourself permission to let loose when answering these questions. Practice non judgement, knowing that you’re the only person reading these answers.
Ask your little one: “If this scenario were to come true, how would you feel?”
Use the list below to identify the emotions your little one is afraid to feel in relation to your fears.
Once you’ve identified the emotions, as your adult self, breathe into each emotion and welcome it in, by saying “Welcome _______. I see you, and I validate you. You’re welcome here”
Next, ask yourself, “How would it feel to move forward with my day and take this little one (fear) along with me?”
Notice how you feel and acknowledge yourself, and your little one for completing this process.
Utilize this method every time fear arises and know that this natural response is an integral part of being human. If we take care of our fear, and respond to it lovingly, we see it for what it truly is: our imaginations gone wild. Then we can be amused when our mind comes up with so many future scenarios and brings them into our awareness, all in an effort to protect us from experiencing uncomfortable emotions.
Next time fear arises, respond to this little one with patience and reassurance by saying “I hear your concern, and I got this.” Doing this brings us back into the driver’s seat and helps us see our fear for what it is: a useful response, handy in times of danger and simply amusing at other times.
EMOTIONS
Anger
Anxious
Blame
Curious
Disappointed
Disgust
Embarrassment
Empathy
Excited
Frustrated
Grief
Guilt
Humiliation
Hurt
Jealous
Judgment
Lonely
Overwhelmed
Regret
Sad
Shame
Surprised
Vulnerability
Worried