WHAT IS SELF LOVE?
What is self-love?
I’ve asked myself this question so many times. Ever since I entered the arena of self-development, I was given the traditional “love yourself” advice countless number of times. Nodding along in agreement, I thought, “Sure, I could love myself more. But how the hell do I do that? What does loving yourself actually mean?” While the concept made sense to me intellectually it wasn't until I started to notice all the ways I wasn't being loving to myself that I realised what self-love actually was.
Through my personal exploration, and a whole lot of trial and error, I’ve discovered my personal meaning of self-love. I’m still figuring it out, and often ask myself, if what I’m saying or doing is loving towards me, and if my actions are congruent with how I feel.
When I first heard about self-love, it was so revolutionary. It felt like the answer to all my problems. If only I wouldn’t be so critical of myself, if only I didn’t body shame myself, IF ONLY! I would then be happy and could live a life of pure fulfillment. Hearing this buzz word over and over, I soon started to approach self-love as a task, something I must do, or achieve in order to be truly happy. As you can imagine, just like any task we repeat and over, overtime, it loses its novelty. Self-love became like any other project I was seeking to complete, as if one day I would wake up, and all of the unpleasant things I’ve said to myself over the span of my life would simply disappear, because I now love myself.
Its suffice to say that did not happen. What actually occurred was far from a fairytale. I realised I had seriously romanticised self-love. I thought that maybe if I treated myself to a fancy dinner, a glass of wine and an expensive treat, I was practicing self-love. I was doing all these so-called loving things in my life; however, I still didn’t feel good on the inside.
Self-love didn’t show up at my doorstep with roses. It showed up as presence to the uncomfortable emotions I experienced internally. Self-love showed up as the messiest aspect of my life, because it required me to become self-aware and conscious of the way I was speaking to myself, the way I saw myself, and the habits I had developed overtime. It required the greatest skill of all, allowing the discomfort that resides within me to exist, without my interference.
If I was to define what self-love really means to me, I would describe it as nurturing, nourishing and supporting ourselves on every level: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Self-love is the ability to make empowered choices towards the life we desire, which may include creating healthy boundaries in relationships and learning to say “no” when something doesn’t feel right. It means learning to give to ourselves that which we crave most from others, learning to fill our own cup and noticing when it starts to run empty. It means checking in daily with our inner child to see what he or she needs, and then actively meeting those needs. It means practicing forgiveness, compassion and being gentle with ourselves and most importantly it means giving ourselves permission to be HUMAN by allowing each emotion we experience to complete its cycle within us. Ultimately, it means seeing and treating ourselves the same way that source or the universe does, through the lens of unconditional love and acceptance.
It’s important to note that self-love is different to self-esteem. Self esteem is conditional and requires justification. E.g. “I love myself because I’m doing well at work. I love myself because I’m eating healthy. I love myself because I exercise. I love myself because I’m smart”. Loving ourselves because of xyz only makes the love we have towards our selves conditional, and we often end up giving ourselves a similar experience to what we received as a child; conditional love, based on our actions. Self esteem is based on something we need to earn and prove. Self-love on the other hand is unconditional. It’s the ability to experience love for ourselves regardless of what we do or don’t do. It isn’t based on how well we do at university, what kind of job we get, how pretty we are, or how smart we are. It isn’t dependent on anything at all. It’s an unconditional acceptance and approval of who we are, as we are, through every stage, behaviour, physical trait or habit we portray.
Ultimately, to experience Self Love, we need to commit, and recommit to ourselves every single day. We need to make ourselves and the way that we feel the number one priority in our lives. The most effective way of doing this is to stop focusing on self-love and start focusing on improving our overall satisfaction in life. When we start focusing on what brings us joy, and head towards that direction, self-love is a natural byproduct of this commitment.
Focusing on the following aspects of our lives IS self-love.
Creating healthy boundaries
Learning how to self-regulate and deal with our emotions
Developing a relationship with our inner child
Identifying and meeting our needs
Responding to ourselves with loving kindness and compassion
Uncovering our authenticity and surrounding ourselves with those that welcome our authenticity
I’ll be touching on each of these topics and more, to assist you in experiencing deeper levels of love and appreciation towards yourself at an exclusive event at Miss Fox (Melbourne) in March 2020.