Over the last 5 years, I’ve really understood the importance of communication. It wasn’t until my partner reflected back to me that the way I was communicating to him when I was experiencing discomfort was not loving and that there was no sense of ownership for my feelings, did I realise that healthy communication is a skill to learn, just like learning an instrument or a new language.

So much of our communication to each other in the workplace or at home has become violent. Communication either connects us to each other or separates us from one another. The impact of the words we use and the way in which we communicate these words is huge. Think about the last time you misinterpreted or misunderstood something a friend, a colleague or a boss said simply because of the way they said it.

My commitment to learning healthier ways of communicating led me to a training in Non-Violent Communication.

“NVC is a described as the “language of life” that helps us to transform old patterns of defensiveness and aggressiveness into compassion and empathy and to improve the quality of all of our relationships. Studying and practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now. Although it is a model for communication, NVC helps us to realize just how important connection is in our lives. In fact, having the intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC”

NVC was formulated by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960’s. After observing hundreds of people as a psychologist, Rosenburg noticed that we only resort to violent communication or harmful behaviors towards others as a strategy to get our needs met. When we’re triggered and go in guns blazing to the person opposite us in an attempt to communicate how we feel, what we’re so naively trying to do is communicate in the least straightforward way. What we’re unaware of in that moment is that we’re hurt because a need of ours hasn’t been met due to the circumstances at play. Our feelings have very little to do with the person we’re speaking to, and everything to do with us and our recognition of an unmet need. Rosenberg noticed that there was a huge lack of awareness around this topic, so he developed a simple and straightforward process that teaches us how to communicate with compassion and clarity by focusing on three main things:

1) Self-connection

2) Honest expression

3) Empathy

What was so profound for me was coming to the realization that under each conflict/trigger is an unmet need, either for the person being triggered and having a reaction, or for the person making the seemingly inappropriate remark/comment that causes a reaction within us.

Human beings will go to any lengths to ensure that their needs have been met. This is what makes us so relatable to each other. Conflict between individuals is simply a result of miscommunication about these needs. Our species are always on the lookout (consciously or subconsciously) to get our needs met. In fact, it’s the only reason we ever do anything. We thrive on feeling connection with another human being, feeling appreciated, acknowledged and supported.

Our needs are universal and whether we believe or not, they are conducive to our existence. See below some examples of universal needs and feelings.

Before we get into identifying the unmet needs, let’s look at who is actually responsible for meeting these needs. Yep you guessed it, it’s you!

We have been conditioned to believe that something outside of ourselves – a greater power, force, partner, car, job or house is responsible for bringing us a sense of happiness and fulfillment. This is simply not true. And this is exactly where the problem starts. We’ve grown up believing this, as our first examples of receiving love, affection and feeling connection was from people other than ourselves, it was our parents or guardians.

This was only further reinforced as we got older. But I hope that you can see how this is simply not true. The reason for this is because every time we feel connection, happiness or love, with or around one of those people or material objects, we are the ones who experience this need getting met internally. The people/material objects have simply enhanced the feeling and drawn it out of us. They’re not solely responsible for generating this feeling inside of us. Even though, it may feel like it at times, it’s not actually possible.

NVC is all about identifying this need (life force energy) in a healthy manner and then finding an effective way to communicate this to our friends, family and colleagues in a way that invites them to participate in a conversation. Utalizing effective communication, we can then ask them if they’re willing to contribute to meeting this unmet need and assist us in feeling more of these feelings. But the most important aspect here is to recognize the unmet need within ourselves and learn ways to meet this need our self through the process of self-connection before making a request of someone else to do the same.

Non-Violent Communication emphasizes the value of taking responsibility for our feelings. This means knowing that feelings are caused from within. The outer situation (the observation) is the stimulus or trigger for your feeling. Your met or unmet need is the cause of it.

The Self connection process is quite simple. We simply need to fill in the blanks. I invite you to try this process out for yourself in regard to an issue you’re facing with someone. Use the Needs and Feelings inventory pasted above as a guide.

When I see that ______________ (Observation of scenario)

I feel ______________ (Identify Feelings)

Because my need for ________________ is/is not met. (Identify unmet need)

Would I be willing to __________________? (Make a request of yourself)

The last part of this process is to brainstorm methods of actually getting these needs met. Once we’ve identified these needs, it’s a lot easier to see that the conflict that arose had little to do with the story or the narrative, and more to do with the actual unmet need.

Most of us resort to making evaluations and judgements of each other through this outer layer of thought, the sooner we can peel the onion and go the heart of the problem (the unmet need), the easier it is to resolve conflict. What’s incredible about this process is the relatability we can feel to another, when we realise that the person who has created conflict within us, is simply trying to meet a need for themselves too. This process truly does connect us with each other and remind us of our vulnerabilities and humanness.

If you’re interested in learning more about this process, I encourage you to read Non-Violent Communication, or check out an NVC training near you.

HOW TO COMMUNICATE WHEN WE'RE TRIGGERED